I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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