shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
