If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
