He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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