I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
