Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
