I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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