Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
