Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
