i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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