I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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