Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
