It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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