Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
