Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
