just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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