Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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