shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
