Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
