what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
