weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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