According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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