So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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