so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
