I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
