How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
