My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
