I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
