I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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