I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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