I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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