I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
