Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
