He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
