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stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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