When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
