I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
