last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
