i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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