I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
