Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
