Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
