hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Randomize
