I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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