I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
