So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
