I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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