i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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