so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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