no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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